I am not dead, I am sorry that I made all of you think that I was. I had no idea that any of you cared about me that much to be that deeply affected.
I have been bullied by my ex girlfriend and her friend for a while. They did very horrible things to me, and I didn't want to share with you what happened, but now I must. This is why I did what I did, I hope you can understand my reasons for doing this. I know it is a very long journal, and there is a lot to read, but you should read all of it. Before you yell at me, or get angry at me, you must read this journal to find out why I did what I did.
As may or may not know, I went to El Salvador last summer. I went to El Salvador for two weeks, where I worked in a very remote village at the top of a mountain. I helped them build a new church. This required me to walk up the mountain, taking an hour and a half one way each morning just to start working. Then I had to dig in the dirt for several hours digging the foundation with nothing but pick axes and shovels. Now, those villagers gave me a keychain to thank me for my hard work in the village. It was a simple wooden keychain that they bought at a local market, but since they are so poor, they had to spend the very little money they had on this small gift.
Now, also as you should know, I dated a girl named Birta for four months. For her most recent birthday in December, I gave her this keychain to show her how much she meant to me. To Me, that keychain was absolutely priceless, but she was worth more.
Now, when we broke up, I wanted it back from her, I offered to pay for her to mail it back to me. She told me that she didn't have it,mand that it was gone. I got mad, yelled at her, and then a few days later, i shot the gift that she gave to me with arrows our of anger. I sent her the pictures in anger and out of spite. Now, Birta had apparently lied to Me, and she still had the keychain. She took the keychain, and burned it, she filmed it, and added the song "burn" by Ellie Goulding to the video. Now, in case you were unaware, Ellie Goulding is my favorite singer, I love all her songs, and she kinda looked like Birta in my opinion.
Now, I was furious, as you should know how bad my temper can be. Not only was my keychain gone forever, but she lied to me about it, and she purposefully added that song to cause me deep psychological pain.
Now, you may not believe this next part, but it is completely true. In the midst of my anger at Birta, i forgave her. I knew that my keychain was gone, and yelling at her would not bring it back. So, I forgave her, and tried to be friends with her and Aldis and we did become friends. I didn't want to lose them as friends again, cause we used to have a lot of fun.
Now, Birta told me that she had this friend, well it was more Aldis friend, but Birta told Me about her. She said she was very cute, and sweet. Essentially, they told me that she was the perfect girl for me. Like everything I would want in a girl, she had these qualities. So, I went to talk to her, and they were right about her, that she was perfect, she was 19 years old, half Icelandic,half Australian. I fell in love very quickly like i usually do. In a moment of spontaneity I asked her out. I liked her, she was perfect, I figured if I didn't ask her out, I may never know if she would like me back. So, I asked her out and she said yes. Now, she asked me what my sexual fetishes were. Now, I am NOT going to tell you what they are. But, let me tell you this, they are not very common, and not something I am not proud of. Now, she told me that she has similar fetishes, so I was relieved that she accepted my weirdness and was okay with it. Anyway, we talked for a few days and get to know each other well. She told me that her mother died last December, so I felt bad for her. She told me how she was bullied where she used to live, so she had to delete all her old accounts, and make new ones, which explained why all of her accounts only had a few days of history. She told me that she was one of Aldis childhood friends who moved away, and that they lived in the states for a long time. She told me that she moved around a lot, and could not remember all the places they lived. She was so nice and sweet, and she seemed to be perfect for me. She even had my favorite hair color.
Now, I like to video chat with my friends, but very few of them have webcams. I asked Rikky to video chat, she said she didn't have a webcam. Now, Aldis had a webcam that she used frequently to let me video chat with Birta and herself many times. So, I told Rikky to go use that. She told me that she didn't have time, that she was working. Rikky told me that her job was just cleaning around the house, that she got paid in fabric, cause she loved to make cosplay costumes. So, she couldn't video chat with me.
Now, one day, Rikky asked Me to do a roleplay with her. She just said roleplay, and since we both liked Homestuck, I thought that she wanted to roleplay as our favorite Homestuck characters. She said that wasn't what she wanted, she told me that she wanted to do a sexual roleplay, one about my fetishes. So, I agreed to do it with her. We had this roleplay for an hour and a half long with each other. We both had a good time doing it. She was pretty good at it. She knew what to do, what to say. I had a great time with it. At the end if the roleplay chat, Rikky told Me that she had to tell me something important,
She told me that she wants even a girl, that he was a 16 year old guy (not a 19 year old girl). He said that I was the most disgusting pig ever, that i should go kill myself. That Aldis and Birta had paid him to pretend to be this Rikky girl. That Rikky didn't even exist at all. This guy then copied the entire sexual roleplay chat, and posted it to both my Facebook and Rikkys Facebook wall, for everyone to see, friends and family.
This 16 year old guy had been paid by Aldis and Birta to create several fake accounts, make up this whole fake persona. Making her be everything I wanted in a girl, because both Aldis and Birta know what I like. They had him ask about my fetishes, because they know about them. They knew I liked to do roleplay chats. They had him do all of these things perfectly to fool and deceive met they used this guy to get close to me, just so he could hurt me.
I had these posts reported right away, and they were removed by the admins quickly. But I told my mom about what happened, and she read the chats. Now I had to have a very embarrassing chat with my doctor and psychologist about what happened, and about those fetishes.
This is what caused me to snap and yell at Aldis and Birta. I had trusted them again, and forgiven them for what they did before this. I wanted to be their friend again. And they just used this as an opportunity to hurt me even more. I told them to go kill themselves because after I had forgiven both of them for what they had done, they just used that to get closer to me to hurt me even more.
They all pretended to not know anything about this, yet the guy told me that they paid him to do it. They lied and said they had no involvement about any of this, but they did. They introduced me, they gave him info about me that only they would have known.
Now, after this, I disappeared off the Internet for a week. I didn't talk to anyone, I was just gone. I was way too angry and hurt over what happened. I hated everyone for abusing my trust, abusing my kindness, I felt that everyone hated me, and they wanted nothing to do with me. So I thought fuck them, I'm leaving all of you assholes forever. So I blocked Aldis, Birta, and everyone else involved.
But, after a week, I came back, I tried to move on. I didn't want to fight with any of them. I left them all alone. But I frequently checked their accounts to see if either showed any remorse for what they had done to me, if they would appologize for hurting me, but no, nothing.
Now, I was about to finally move on, leave it in the past. I had stopped checking their accounts, but then this happened,
Three weeks go by since that happened, and I has not sent any messages to neither Birta nor Aldis. Yet, Aldis feels the need to attack Me again. She copied all of my hateful messages that I sent to her after Rikky told me who he was and then posted those things to Facebook. I told her she was a fucking cunt, that she should go kill herself, that I had trusted her, and she lied to me. All of which were justified after what I had just gone through. She took screen shots and posted them in a journal. Aldis convieniently left out anything that gave any context as to why I was yelling at her. She essentially just made it look like I randomly started telling her to go kill herself. And she started spreading lies about me. That I just hurt Birta and her, which it didn't. They hurt me. I loved Birta so much, and Aldis was a good friend, but I fought with her about minor things now and then. I had stayed up late many nights helping Aldis with her emotional problems, which it can't tell any of you because I try to respect people's personal problems, and she told me those in confidence. But, I did a lot to try and help her through them.
She made me look like this hurtful person. She said that I once told her that the only thing stopping me from raping Birta was the distance. I would never rape anyone. I would have never said anything like that. She made me just look like this horrible person, for no reason.
They had lied to me about my priceless keychain, burned it, gone through extra work to hurt me more by adding that song, then I forgave them, tried to be their friend, and they do this thing with Rikky to me.
They are the horrible ones, not me.
Now, I demanded that Aldis take down the journal, and she refused. She was just spreading more lies about me. Telling people that I was lying about everything, that I had just hurt them and abused them, when they did that to me.
Aldis then released a second journal that was filled with even more lies, that just made me look even worse. She made herself look all innocent, like it did this for no reason. So, I had enough of all this bullshit. I hadn't done anything to them, left them alone, but they felt like they still needed to hurt me after three weeks of nothing.
Three weeks after Rikky, they posted that. I had left them alone, I didn't try to provoke them, I didn't release any journals about what happened. I tried to move on.
They would not let me move on.
So, I had to get out of this. I told my mom everything that happened, and she told me that I should just get out. So, I decided to fake my death, she said that would work. That if they thought I was dead, then they wouldn't be able to hurt me. .
So, after everything that has happened, I didn't think any of you actually cared about me. That you were just pretending to be my friends. After all, most of you ignored me whenever I tried to talk to you, and none of you ever wanted to talk to me, I never got any messages from you asking how I was, yet I would always send you messages checking up on you, making sure you were okay.
Most of you that considered me your friend just ended up making me feel alone, worthless, and that I was a horrible person. If none of my friends wanted to talk to me, or be around me, then I must be a horrible person. So if I was dead, you all would be glad that you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. That I wouldn't be annoying you, or spamming you with messages.
So, I had my only real friend help me fake my death, so I could get out of all this cyber bullying, so I could be rid of all this extra stress and anxiety. She always wanted to talk to me, she sent me a message every time when she woke up, I don't think she ever missed a da. She always loved talking to me, she was my best friend, and still is. So she helped me do this. She helped me fake my death by posting that journal. She didn't want to do it, but I needed out of this bullying.
Now after this happened, I made a new account, as many of you assumed, it is the
account, which had the same tag line as my last words. I used it to check up on those that actually did care about me, that I was gone. Those that were really my friend in the end, that showed it when they thought I was gone, I would send them a messages and tell them the truth. Explaining why I did all this, to get out of the bullying and stress. My mother agreed with what I did. It was causing too much stress in my life. Some of you were upset when I told you, others were so glad that I was still alive.
Some if you, I would have never in a million years believed that you cared about me as much as you do. I never felt that any of you genuinely cared about me, and that you would be so upset that I was gone. I never meant to hurt any of you, I never thought any of you would have cared enough about me to be deeply upset. I just wanted the cyber bullying to end.
If you hate me for what I did, I am very sorry. It was the only way I could get out of it. I could have just deleted my account, but then if someone found out that I was the same person on a new account, everything would start again. So if I was dead, people wouldn't think that I made a new account.
But, what many of you said in your messages and comments, yes i read all of them, many of you wished that you had been nicer to me, that you had not ignored me. I could have really killed myself. There have been many ties that I have wanted to end my life so badly, but the only thing that stopped me was my inability to actually slit my throat. Right now I am on antidepressants, so my depression isn't that bad anymore. But, right now you have a second chance with me, and it have a second chance with all of you. I want to try and become a better person after all of this. I learned from this that some of you out there actually care about me more than I could have ever imagined, and I have always thought that you didn't care, so I stopped caring how I treated you. I am sorry, I know I have been an asshole to a lot of you, I have been a horrible person, but right now I am trying to change.
I am human, I have made many many mistakes in my life, not all of them I can fix. I'm sorry for my mistakes.
But just think, have you ever done something that you have regretted? Can you honestly say that you're completely innocent in everything? Can you really judge and hate me for wanting out?
Before I did this, I only thought one person truly cared about me, and I told them what was happening before I did it. If I had known that so many of you honestly cared about me, I would have told you beforehand too. I am sorry to all of those who cared about me and were deeply saddened by my fake death, I never thought you would care enough to miss me.
Right now, I have no desire to stay on deviant art nearly as much as I have been in the past. I have been hurt too many times, and I have hurt too many people. I had hoped that me faking my death would have ended all of that on both sides, but if just ended up hurting those who really cared about me. If you still want to talk to me after all of this, and if you really truly do consider me your friend, send me a note, and in will give you some way to contact me.
Please only do this if you are actually my friend. I do not need any more stress in my life, I am already right on the edge of my limit.
Please do not hate me for what I did, I never meant to hurt any of you, I just needed to escape all the bullying before it did push me far enough to kill myself. Please do not leave any hateful comments, I just can't handle any more stress or guilt, I feel bad enough as it is.
Skin by Vansc14